There are stages when you can still manage emotions, and the stages when they start managing you. Each requires a different approach to restore balance and constructive responses.
1. Horizon is clear
No unwanted emotions or thoughts. No emotional management is required, enjoy.
2. Early cloud
If you notice an emotion early, it is usually enough for it to disappear on its own. You divert focus from the situation to observing an emotion and thus stop feeding it.
The flashlight of your attention may also activate positive framing of the situation or the outlook in general. If there are no opposing beliefs to support the cloud, it may dissolve on its own. Or you can stop it and switch to the desired response.
If you were successful, it means:
- you either managed to escape the triggers in time
- or they did not exist (the reaction was residual, the causes were already reframed before).
In our earlier receiving critical feedback example:
- I felt the tension brewing, noticed thoughts pointing to my insecurity
- but quickly recovered, switching to a constructive outlook
If your efforts were not enough, the opposing beliefs are still active. The causes of the emotion overpowered your positive outlook and emotional regulation effort.
3. The cloud starts growing
If the triggers are still active (or overthinking is spiralling) and an unwanted emotion is taking hold — if possible, do a full stop.
Stop all activity, take a breath, and try to manage the emotion. Prevent it from unfolding, and provoking destructive actions. Switch to a constructive perspective and resulting responses.
You may try micro-practices like STOPP. Use quick fixes, if needed: distract your mind or suppress the emotion. Quick fixes can be helpful to create conditions for reframing.
In our critical feedback example:
– I notice the offense is getting stronger
– the situation does not allow taking a break, so I limit decisions and actions
– make a plan to work on this after the meeting
4. A persistent cloud
If the state persists, each reminder triggers the reaction, do the causes reframing:
– create conditions for the practice
– do mindfulness and labeling
– investigate and reframe the causes
– integrate changes, do follow-ups
In our example:
– I experience offense even after the meeting
– I find time to practice and work on this, investigate causes, reframe
– until offense does not arise when I think about this situation or the manager